Posting in Reddit’s “Am I The A******” (AITA) forum under the username u/amateur_baker_, the woman asked: “AITA for making my ex a birthday cake even though his girlfriend told me she had already ordered one?” The post has amassed over 18,000 upvotes and sparked a heated debate amongst commenters about “boundaries” and “respect.” You can read the full post here.
‘AITA’
In her post, u/amateur_baker_ said her ex doesn’t love sweets; however, she and their kids traditionally bake a cake for his birthday every year.
“This year, his girlfriend planned a party for him, and she told me she had already ordered him a cake, so I didn’t need to make one,” u/amateur_baker_ wrote. “I told her that was fine, but my daughter kept asking me when we would make her dad’s cake and was upset when I said we wouldn’t because she assumed I [no longer liked] my ex.”
Rather than tell her daughter the truth, u/amateur_baker_ went ahead and made a small cake despite her ex’s girlfriend’s wishes.
“I told his girlfriend beforehand that I was going to make a small cake [but she told me] that I couldn’t bring it to the party,” u/amateur_baker_ said.
The two argued back and forth, but in the end, u/amateur_baker_ brought the cake to the party.
“[N]ow she [ex’s girlfriend] keeps complaining to mutual friends that I did it on purpose to ruin the party and [is] calling me weird for making him a cake after I was told not to,” u/amateur_baker_ concluded. “AITA?”
‘Ample Opportunities’
Tanisha M Ranger, PsyD, CSAT, a clinical psychologist with Choosing Therapy, told Newsweek that in this case, both women had “ample opportunities” to communicate with each other and the children to avoid conflict.
“When the new girlfriend asked the ex-partner not to bake the cake, the ex-partner had an opportunity to explain to her that this was something that the children really enjoyed,” Ranger said. “When the daughter got upset about the status of her parents’ relationship, this was an opportunity for the ex-partner to explain that their relationship is fine, but they would be doing things a little differently this year, given that her father has a partner now.”
Ranger also said it was perfectly okay for the girlfriend to ask u/amateur_baker_ not to bake a cake. However, u/amateur_baker_ also had every right to say “no.”
“It’s never wrong to make a request, in my opinion, and it is up to the person being asked to understand and maintain their own boundaries by saying no if that is the answer,” Ranger said.
Redditors React
While Ranger felt the cake debacle was more nuanced, many Redditors thought it was black and white. For example, some commenters felt the girlfriend was wrong to “assert her dominance.”
“Any woman who says her boyfriend can’t have a cake from his kids needs to think long and hard about being with someone with kids. Freaking out over a small cake from the kids ‘ruining’ a party is ridiculous. She is very insecure. NTA [not the a******],” Puzzled_Umpire2762 wrote.
“NTA. If [the] girlfriend wants to be in his and his kids’ lives, she’s going to have to learn to put her jealousies and pride to the side sometimes. It’s a cake. Kids benefit from [the] unity of their parents, and it’s super healthy for them to see you participating in and helping them celebrate their dad,” u/sobertaco said.
However, others thought u/amateur_baker_ was wrong to “disrespect” the girlfriend’s “boundaries.”
“You don’t seem to understand that the role of baking a birthday cake for your ex (that he doesn’t even want) does not fall to you anymore. You’re crossing boundaries. You’re not the wife or girlfriend,” u/vampirelibrarian.
“YTA [you’re the a******]. I understand you wanted to bake with your kids, that’s nice. But this could have been a good time to talk to your kids about respecting others’ boundaries,” u/LilitySan91.
It’s worth noting that Ranger doesn’t view this situation as having anything to do with setting or breaking boundaries.
“I would not call this situation ‘setting a boundary,’ as boundaries govern our own behaviors and not those of others. This was a simple request, and I don’t think the new partner was wrong to make the request,” Ranger said. “She wanted to do something for her partner and thought it would be better if the ex didn’t do the cake this year.”
Newsweek reached out to u/amateur_baker_ for comment. We could not verify the details of this case.
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