“The time to ask who is the Sexiest Man Alive is over, and the time to serve as Sexiest Man Alive must now begin,” said an increasingly confident Bush, his customary white Oxford shirt unbuttoned to his navel. “There is much work to be done, and I am fully prepared to do that work with my vice president, the incredibly sexy Dick Cheney.”
Legal experts anticipate that Bush’s latest claim may result in lengthy legal challenges from Brad Pitt, widely regarded by sexiness experts as the Sexiest Man Alive. Pitt, who could not be reached for comment, did release an official statement through a spokesman, calling Bush’s latest declaration “bogus and lame.”
While Democrats across the country are expressing outrage at this latest turn of events, most voters are confused by it, many of them saying that they had never considered the Texas governor particularly sexy. However, at 1:00 p.m., Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris certified Bush as “Sexiest Man Alive,” prompting Sen. Joseph Lieberman to bemoan what he called “a rush to judgment.”
“When it comes to sexiness, you don’t get any hotter than me and Al Gore,” Lieberman said.
While some legal experts argued that it was impossible to serve simultaneously as president and Sexiest Man Alive, constitutional scholars pointed out that it had been done once before, in 1877, by President Rutherford B. Hayes. While the legitimacy of Hayes’ presidency was often called into question, his sexiness was never disputed.
