If a year passes and you still aren’t arguing about anything, don’t worry just yet. Every relationship is different and your honeymoon phase may just be longer than average. If you and your partner start fighting at some point after 6-12 months, don’t assume something is seriously wrong. This is par for the course, and while it may be unpleasant now, it’s an important step in growing your relationship.

Think about just how much you’d need to agree on in order to never argue in a long-term relationship. What to eat for dinner, where to rent your first apartment, when to get married, what religion you should raise your children under—you’d need to see eye-to-eye on all of it. That’s just unrealistic!

It’s possible that you and your partner argue all the time and it just doesn’t feel like it. If the two of you ever have calm disagreements, you’re arguing. You’re just doing it in a super healthy way!

Checking in with your partner to let them know that you’re not going to be mad if they have something on their mind is a great way to set the stage for them to open up. [5] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021. If you’re upset about something and you’ve been actively avoiding the topic, consider writing your feelings down and giving the letter to your partner. It’s often scary to say how you feel out loud, and a lot of people find it easier to process their feelings on paper.

For example, if one partner is a stay-at-home parent who has no income and they rely on their partner to provide for them, it’s pretty understandable that the stay-at-home partner would actively avoid rocking the boat. These relationships will benefit deeply from couple’s therapy. It can be hard to fix an unequal relationship once it’s already established if you don’t get some outside help.

If you want a partner who you’ll fight less often with, look for someone who holds similar beliefs and values. [9] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021. Overlapping political, religious, and philosophical beliefs will help you avoid a lot of the tougher arguments. [10] X Research source

Autonomy refers to a person’s ability to control themselves. Fighting is one way for a partner to say, “I want control over this aspect of our relationship” to the other. This is actually really key when it comes to negotiating authority and mutual respect in a partnership.

Every couple argues differently, and learning what triggers your partner, what escalates fights, and what brings them back into a productive space is going to be important one day!

The one scenario where this isn’t true is if you and your partner consistently have the same fight over and over again. That’s usually a sign that the two of you need to address an underlying problem that you may not have identified yet.

If you’re the one who has a need going unmet, sit down with your partner and say, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while, but I’ve been putting it off. I really need…” Try to discuss it in a calm, friendly way, and if there’s some friction, then that’s okay! You’ll work through it. If you suspect your partner has an unmet need, remind them regularly that you just want to make them happy and that you’ll never be upset if they have an issue they want to talk about. Some people just really need that reminder to feel comfortable expressing themselves. [16] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.

If you occasionally notice your partner is “off” and you suspect they’re mad at you but won’t say anything, remind them that you’ll be okay if they say what’s on their mind. If they do finally open up, thank them for being honest—even if their complaint annoys you a bit in the moment. If you’re upset about something but you really don’t want to fight, just say that! Tell your partner, “Hey, I’m not trying to start a fight, and I care for you a lot. That said, it really bothers me when you…”

For example, if you’re upset that your partner never gets you flowers, you might say, “I love you very much, and I know you express your love for me in your own way, but I really love it when you get me gifts every now and then. ”

This is where using “I” language is helpful. Always saying “you never…” and “you are…” can make it feel like an attack. Think about the difference between, “You’re a slob,” and “I feel like you don’t clean up after yourself sometimes. ”[22] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021. As another example, say you’re mad that your partner takes forever to call or text you back. You might feel like saying, “You don’t care about me enough to even pick up a phone. ” What will they hear there? “You don’t care about me…” Instead, you might say, “I’d appreciate it if you were more responsive when I call or text you. ”

Despite popular belief, it’s totally okay to “go to bed angry. ” Sometimes, sleeping on it gives people the time they need to calm down and work through the issue in their head. [24] X Research source