Try saying something like, “I’m sorry I’ve been pulling away. I’ve been struggling with some things, but I don’t want it to come between us anymore. " You don’t necessarily have to address what happened at this point, although you can. If you’d prefer, though, you can just ask for a hug or find something the two of you can do together.
For instance, maybe you exploded in anger because the sink was full of dishes. If you dig deeper, you might realize that you’ve been feeling unappreciated and unsupported or you might resent that you have to take care of more housework than your partner. Sometimes, the issues might not have come from your relationship at all. You might find it hard to trust your partner because you were hurt in a previous relationship or because you dealt with trauma or neglect in your childhood, for example. Journaling can be a great way to sort through your thoughts and feelings and get to the bottom of what’s going on. [5] X Research source
Even if your partner did something that really hurt you, there’s still probably something you could have done differently. For instance, you might have tried to sweep those feelings under the rug to avoid conflict—which may have caused you to explode angrily when that resentment built up. If you’re struggling with painful memories that happened before your relationship, your partner might be confused about why you seem distant or afraid to commit. In that case, it’s especially important to talk to them so they can understand where you’re coming from. Apologize for your part in things, but don’t stop there. Really try to change things so you’re not just repeating the same patterns over and over.
This is usually a lot easier if you make an effort to see the good in the other person, rather than focusing on the qualities that caused them to hurt you in the first place. If you’ve been hurt by multiple people in your past—like parents, siblings, friends, or ex-partners—you might need to forgive each person one by one. This can take some time, but it’s worth it for your emotional health.
You might also say something like, “I felt so hurt and betrayed when you cheated on me. I want to be able to trust you again, and I have a few ideas that might help with that. " If you feel yourself starting to get overwhelmed and upset, take a few deep breaths or call a time-out until you feel calm again. [10] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.
If you’re upset because your partner called you irresponsible, you might find it difficult to listen when they try to talk to you about money. However, if you can let your guard down and listen openly, you might be able to empathize with their concerns about the budget—even if they shouldn’t have lost their temper with you. If your partner mentions that you’ve been withdrawn, try not to get defensive and shut them out. Instead, use it as an opportunity to talk about how your past is affecting you.
If you and your partner have been giving each other the silent treatment, you might challenge yourself to say 3 positive things to them each day, for instance.
You might never be exactly the same person you were before you got hurt. That’s okay! Embrace that—you’ve been through something painful and made it to the other side, which is a sign that you’re strong and resilient.
Be especially sure to point it out if you see them working to improve in the area where the two of you have the most trouble. For instance, if you and your partner have argued about money, you might say something like, “I noticed all the bills are already paid for the month. Awesome job!” If they’ve been patient and supportive while you worked through issues from your past, let them know how much that means to you.
This can be something as simple as going on a date once or twice a month—just make sure you have a rule not to talk about serious subjects that might lead to an argument! Try taking a trip with your loved one for a fun way to change your scenery and rewrite your story!
For instance, you might take a deep breath, then say something like, “Let’s take a breather for about 10 minutes before we finish talking about this. I want us to be able to talk about it calmly and I feel like our emotions are starting to take over. " Get out of your argument comfort zone. If you normally shut down, push yourself to say what’s on your mind. If you normally get angry and yell, go out of your way to stay calm and listen to what the other person is saying.
If you’re religious, try talking to your priest, rabbi, or minister about the problem.
